Bad Day Emotionally

It's hard to live with death hanging over your head all the time.  I mostly don't think about it.  I feel pretty good.  But I know it's hard on my husband, who has to take up the slack on housework when I don't feel like it.  If he wants me to do dinner, I have to only do "station keeping" on the house.  Not too much deep cleaning gets done.  It's harder with 2 kids that mess it up more than you can clean it up.

I woke up yesterday, ready to go to church.  But my husband didn't feel like it. He does have a valid excuse: He's been dealing with a broken leg for almost a year.  But, I had excess energy.  I come from a family who had a mom that re-arranged the living room about twice a year.  Admittedly, there were only a few ways to do it, but she changed it.  He comes from a family that never even moved the furniture to vacuum under it.  Same, same, same all the time.  I decided I wanted a change, and was trying to figure out how to go about it.  We only have a couple ways also.  I knew it would be a lot of work so I asked him to talk me out of it with rational arguments.  He started screaming. 

Long story short, I spent 2 hours crying in my walk in closet before he even came to check on me.  By then it had deteriorated to the point where I told him of all the people I know he is the best at making me feel like a turd that's totally worthless.  I knew he was feeling I was just a burden, even though he denied it.  I had the attitude why is God dragging this out so long?  He went to mow the grass.

But, why IS God dragging this out so long?  I've been dealing with this for 2 years, if you count the few months I dealt with a dry cough before it actually got diagnosed.  This time last year I was trying to convince myself it was allergies.  December of 2010 was when I got the PET scan that confirmed it was back.  If God is waiting for my husband to learn some vague lesson, He can stop.  Either cure me or kill me, but my husband is too hard-headed to learn a lesson from anyone.

If the roles were reversed, I would hang on his every word, because I would realize I may not have him next year, or next month or tomorrow.  I have to wait until there's nothing on talk radio or TV to get attention.

I thought at first that it was my motivation to lose a little weight.  But I've tried losing for someone else before and it never works.  I want to lose for me.  I'm hoping that I'll have more energy and the good nutrition will help fight this off.  But sometimes I wonder, why do I bother?

Sorry for the bummer of a post, but I swore I'd tell the good, the bad and the ugly.  You just got the ugly.